"Mom, how long will you be a missionary?"

Tonight, as I tucked the kids in for bed, Lucas had a heavy heart I could see.  We had just finished bedtime prayers together, which includes praying for another missionary or anyone else that ends up in our prayer box for some reason or another.  Tonight we prayed for Tim and Sharon Hawk who are recent retiree's from the Honduras field.  We asked the Lord to bless them for the work that they've done and to help them to make the necessary adjustments they'll need to make as they step out of a lifetime of service.  As they are adjusting, so we are as we're preparing to step in.  Yet I realize that while it's true that there are definite adjustments that both our families are making, it is really just in where we serve.  As I was praying with our kids, I asked God to help Tim and Sharon to see this too(if they had not already), so as to not wonder "now what?" So back to Lucas. We finished our prayers, they were all tucked in and as I was about to leave his room, I heard him ask, "mom, how long will you be a missionary?" I figured our prayer for Tim and Sharon must have caused him to think about this. I have already explained to our kids many times that it doesn't matter where you live, you can always be a missionary, so I knew that this wasn't the answer he was looking for.  I asked him "Do you mean how long will we serve in Honduras?"  He shook his head. We've already explained to them the two year discipleship plan and then four years on and one year off, yet I know kids forget so I began explaining it again.  He interrupted me, "I know that, but I mean how long will you do all that for?" I started to answer "as long as the Lord..." and then I stopped. I fear that my "right or wrong" words will make the difference if our kids feel resentment toward God because of our call to missions.  I was without words and I have yet gain confidence in knowing how to handle these topics. So I asked Lucas, "how long would you like to see it be?" He had an answer within a fraction of a second, which told me that he's thought about this before. "Ten years." "Why ten years?" I asked. He needed not do the math again, it was obvious he'd already done it...I wonder how many times?  "because in 10 years I'll be a grown-up and I'll miss you if you're still there." Of course I've thought of this before but it hit me tonight in a different way.  I've struggled with wishing our parents would give us their blessings on this.  They each have reached their own level of acceptance of our calling, but oh how we'd love to have all of their blessings.  Tonight I felt their pain as I realized I too could have to give up being the adult parent I always thought I'd be. I too could have to adjust my expectations of what kind of grandparent I will be. I fumbled for words and I struggle with knowing how much of my own struggles I should share with them.  so I just told Lucas how some missionary kids end up becoming missionaries too and he stopped me short. "I know, but I think I'm gonna want to spend some time with my grandparents." Keep in mind that when he says grandparents, he's very much also meaning his great grandparents. My heart sank. I couldn't bring myself to remind him of the effects of time and what that could mean. Yet he's a smart kid and he ponders thoughts worse then I do, so I'm sure he's already thought of it. All children have to face the cruel reality of saying goodbye to loved ones, but how could I remind him of this as we are about to take him so far away?  I usually am one who struggles to express my feelings but tonight it was all I could do to hold it in until I left his room. I got down on my knees and I pleaded with God, "are you sure Lord? This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be! I don't know if I can do this...I'm scared for our kids...I'm scared that they'll resent us and even worse that they'll resent you! Could it be that we could wait until they're grown?"  My heart sank to a new depth as I remembered Lucas' response "I'll be a grown-up and I'll miss you."  Would there ever be a perfect time to...to...to be obedient?  I remembered the scripture I read just this morning from Luke where the disciples were asking Jesus if they could first do this or do that before they followed him.  Jesus spoke to me and I knew that He doesn't want obedience with delay.  He wants obedience.  And then the words, "I'll give you a peace that passes all understanding" kept replaying through my mind until I truly had received a peace that passes all understanding. It doesn't make sense. I don't know how this will all end. Yet I do know that even though the Lord did not give me the ok to delay, he did give me a greater sympathy and understanding for what our parents are going through. Tonight he also gave me a peace that truly does surpass all understanding.  So tomorrow when I manage to lose my peace once again because my mind recalls again the little faces of the homeless boys who we saw and I'm fretting over the opposite(not being there yet), I'll remember the peace he gave me tonight that passes all understanding.